Every now and then the web produces some classic humour, I couldn’t resist this one!

ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: 02
DISCOVER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 118 lb.. but known to vary from 90 to 5501b.. OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and Precious Stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning and for no reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TEST:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
3. High acquisition cost.
4. Even higher disposal cost.